there once was a man named Johnson
Bronson Swanson Johnson, Jr.
he owned a small gun/porno shop
and he called it "Guns 'n' Hooters"
I came in his store/porno
I said whats up swan?
My name's not swan, it's "Bronze"
Now get out of my shop, Ron Thomas Johns
So I got outa there quick as a rat,
In fact, I ran into Pat the rat and his grandpa Jack
they say they may play a game today
okay, you're gay so stay the hell away
They were so rude it got me upset
So I climbed into my private jet
I set the automatic cruise to Tiajuana
I put my seat in an all upright position as i smoked some wana
The fumes began restricting my view
Just then I saw Chris Rugh,
he led me away from the wed to the camode
I then realized I had to drop a load (or two)
I flushed it and we got sucked down the hole
We're falling through the sky out of control
then all our hope was quickly running out
If Rugh and I would survive was a big doubt
"Hey, Ron, who's that rat on a hang glider?"
It was dwight!!, He said I rented this from Ryder.
Grab ahold if you want to live!
If not then you'll never forgive
yourself for not trying
I'm not joking and I ain't lyin'
So we grabbed a hold of that rodent
the stench of his hairy hindquarters was potent
With a scream Rugh fell off
But he fell on top of a convulsing Ben Tegethoff
We landed and rushed to the scene
Ben was starting to turn purple but his lips were green
The shocking blow of Rugh fixed his unfortunate disorder
his random spasm syndrome was ended with the appearance of Joey Porter
Porter told us he had the cure
and Taga gasped "Are you sure?"
But just then a giant mole came out of a hole
he took off his mask and it was Bob Dole
I'm Dole the mole aka. Robert L. Dole
but then he unmasked himself again and it was Ja Rule
He busted out a rhyme that went a little like this:
"I'm the J-ah to the Rule I'm cool, fool, stay in school, don't be cruel."
Just then the camode from the jet came down from the sky
it crushed Ja Rule and splashed waste in Taga's eye
"I'm Blind!" screamed Taga and Rugh screamed "Why?"
I turned toward the two and said "It's okay, don't cry."
But then my cell phone started to vibrate
I took it out to answer as we started to migrate
It was my wife Alberta "Big Bertha" Johns
"Hello, bumblebee, how are the sons?"
My names not bumblebee, but that's alright
Where are you at, I haven't seen you since last night?
I said back, "you only saw a certain part of me"
"anyways that ended quickly once I had to pee."
I flushed it more than 3 consecutive times
then i discovered a secret door lined with beaded blinds
it opened right up and I went inside
I fell through the floor oh my what a ride
just then I met a man named Sylvester
he took me over to a time machine
we went back in time to a man named Chester
he introduced himself: Chester Lester MaGreen
hey Lester, who are you supposed to be
I'm not a malester, my name's Chester MaGreen
well Mr. McQueen, how do you do
how do i do what? he replied as we walked through
"Alright, you two, now get in the machine, MaGreen"
hurry up, you're slower than a bean
we all got in and pulled the big lever
just then before we vanished out popped a big beaver
he hopped in with us and messed up our coordinates
suddenly, we were under a big tree w/ tons of Christmas ornaments
We reset the machine and shoved that beaver off
we were all on our way to save the convulsing Tegethoff
all of a sudden I saw myself with Joey Porter
then, someone was calling me and I just ignored her
then the future me's phone received a text message
it said that our sons were all killed by a man who sells sausage
the future me told Rugh "I wish I had a time machine."
so i could go back and save my sons Habib, Abdul, and Kareem
I said to the future me, I've got just the thing
I've got a time machine, our sons lives will be redeemed
So then we took off in a flash in the blink of an eye
back in time to search and find the murderous sausage guy
we seeked out his sausage truck in the shape of a weiner link
we shot out all his tires, there were four of them, I think
We prevented the deaths of our 3 children
me, Sylvester, Chester, and his sister Mildred
so that's where I was last night when I left you
I'm sorry I was gone, but I didn't forget you"
I finished my story to my wife and ended the call
you think this poem's over now but that's not all
Just when I hung up the phone a strange man appeared
he said: I'm Hannibal the canibal he had a scraggley beard
Alright "can" what's going on
nothing much "stan" I just munched on a man
My name's not Stan, it's Ron Thomas Johns
Hannibal said now I'm going to eat your dongs
O My! Me, Rugh, and a dazed Taga ran
Joey Porter stayed and tacked that man.
We rounded a corner and appeared Mr. Snuck
"protect my snuck!" he yelled as he stuck
out his hand to shake Joey Porter's
who was knocked out by Dwight the rat's hairy hind quarters
that rat on the hang glider got up and was dizzy
Mr. Snuck was scared and Dwight and Hannibal were in a tizzy
they were getting it on, a fight to the finish
but for some reason they stopped and the violence diminished
it was because a rooster appeared through the rubbish
My names roy alexander dametrius glubbish
but you can just call me RAD-G.
I'm the biggest cock around I'm as cool as can be
Just then Rad-Gs brother appeared
He said my names Rudolph Alexi Dominique I said thats weird
what are you cocks doing here, I said
Oh, we're looking for the lost fresco of Mildred
well we'll take you there in my jet minus the camode
Porter said Damn! guess I can't drop a load.
we'll set the coordinates to Northeast Timbuktu
we put our seats in an upright position and popped in some chew
when we landed Porter led us from the cope to the door
we were greeted by a wild Albino boor,
He said his name was Pumba
Hook me up with yo fone numba,
we ran out of Cope so we went to get some
on the way we ran into someone
He said yoy! Double yoy! and o boy!
I said O no! That's definitely not Orpheus Roye
I said who's this old goat,
what bad luck, we found the wrong cope
we walked right by and went into a wed/tabacci shop
Frank the tank was inside with a dip in his chop
Rugh said "What are you doing here, Frank?"
Frank replied back, "I come in here to get spanked
by bitches that itch when they're hung by the hitch."
Then the lights went out, because of a computer glitch
The lights came on and big Bill appeared
Bill Hilgrove, was here o dear this is what I feared
So we kicked out Myron and old Billy
we went to the secret back room and Taga whipped out his willy
I said, "Put that Tagalong away, Taga."
He said, "I probably shouldn't have done that but I just had ta."
I said lets get down to business
let's locate that fresco with handy fresco radar
and when we get finished
we can hang out with Hagar
The fresco Finder started to beep
it led us outside to an abandoned jeep
Me, taga, Rugh, Frank, Porter, and Dux hopped in
Frank asked Rugh if he had any Gin (or tonic)
we drove over to the local mile-high building
there was a merge up ahead and vehicles were yielding
Suddenly a voice cried out, go go go gadget copter
as we discovered this was inspector gadget's jeep, now a chopper
We flew up the building and experienced turbulence
People were gawking out the windows at this disturbance
we landed on the roof in the upper stratosphere
A man yelled from down below, it's over here.
it was Leslie Peter Sheets what an unfortunate name
he said I get made fun of so bad it drives me insane
Frank said hand ova the fresco gangsta
Leslie replied "Okay, but first you gotta catch me, pranksta."
So Rugh chased after him but tripped over taga
who started convulsing and fell off the mile-high strata
Suddenly Dwight arrived on his hang glider swooping down
He caught up with Taga but just after he hit the ground
his body disintegrated as it exploded
Dwight was in shock and his glider just floated
I took back the fresco to its rightful owner
His name was Marcus Aranius Malone-Shroeder